As the Audi
cruised up the tree lined drive to the clubhouse at The East Greenbush Golf and
Polo Club I stole a glance to my right at the pin placements on holes 1, 3 and
4. It was routine for members to take a
look on the way in as all three holes had blind approach shots and knowing where
the holes had been placed gave you a little edge. Of course for a big money match I’d ask
Ralphie, the head greens keeper, to give me his pin placement book. That along with a $100 bill usually
guaranteed I’d know the hole locations and my opponent wouldn’t, but today
wasn’t about the golf or the money today was about getting face time with the
hose. A round of golf at The Bush
usually took 3 hours including lunch. If
we saw 8 other people on the course during the round I’d be amazed. Not only would the course be empty but the
hose was renowned for playing fast, no looking for lost balls, improving his
lie whenever he felt like it and not adverse to using a foot wedge to help
himself. The hose was competitive and he
would cheat, you could tell a lot about a man by how he played golf.
Now Rocky on
the other hand was the exact opposite of the hose, he played leisurely,
strolling the course instead of riding in a cart, he couldn’t care less what he
shot and he was scrupulously honest.
Rocky and the hose in the same foursome could become stressful.
As I parked I
saw the hose, Rocky and Dan were already on the first tee. I jumped into a cart and arrived at the tee
at 10:59, just in time for us to tee off in front of the clubs resident milfs,
Missy Cartright, whose husband was a doctor, Paula Unger the ex-wife of local
builder Paul Unger, Trini Sandoval, whose husband, Tom Sandoval had just died
leaving her over $3 million and his yellow Jaguar XKE and Lisa Zesnet the clubs
women’s champion.
The first hole
at The Bush is practically a symbol of politics in Albany. Safe if you’re smart fatal if you’re not. From
an elevated tee in front of the clubhouse the fairway is wide for the first 200
yards then narrows down to a small rise at 260 yards with woods closing in on
both sides, over the rise the hole drops the final 120 yards to a green that is
elevated above a small creek and is sloped front to back such that the rear of
the green where it is flat cannot be seen from the creek. The smart play is the safe play, a long iron
or 3 wood to the top of the rise then a short iron to the back of the
green. But every swinging dick doctor,
lawyer or legislator I’ve ever seen play the Bush always tried to show off and
drive the rise with the best case result being a downhill wedge to an elevated
green sloping away. The worst case was a
drive into the woods.
With the milfs
milling about the small area next to the tee box the hose was anxious to start
but first things first, tradition required a wager.
“Dan, I’ll
partner with the hose and you take Rocky we are in the same carts that way”
“No problem
Leathers, I’m an 8 handicap I know you play to a 4 what’s your handicap Rocky?”
“I’m a 13 back
home”
Back home was a
private course that Rocky actually owned, I’ve played it before and it was without
a doubt 5 strokes easier than the Bush so Rocky’s 13 was more like 18 at the
Bush but he would never try to get any extra strokes.
“And you
Senator?”
“17”
The hose
playing to a 17 was complete horseshit, he was at worst a 14 but when Rocky
said 13 the hose with lightning speed did the calculation and realized playing
to a 17 made the teams even and gave him at least a 3 stroke advantage. And he knew that none of us would call him on
it.
“Okay how about
we play as teams and if my team wins we get Dan’s Omega Montreal watch if Dan’s
team wins they get my Graham?”
The hose immediately
pointed out that there was only one watch how would we split it?
“No worries
Senator if we win I’ll give you half the value of the Omega in cash if we lose
I’ll cover the bet with my Graham”
“How much is
that watch worth Sam?”
“I’d say about
$4000 Senator”
Sam was full of
shit the Omega was worth half that but what could I say in front of the hose.
“OK so we win
Leathers gets the watch and gives me $2000, let’s play”
The hose strode
to the tee driver in hand a ball in his hand and another in his pocket. As I looked closer the ball was an off brand
that I had a sneaking suspicion was juiced and illegal but again who was going
to say anything.
With the milfs
looking on the hose took a mighty swing and sent the ball deep into the woods
on the right side of the rise.
“What type of
ball were you playing Senator? I’m sure we can find it” Rocky politely asked.
Rocky was
taking his life in his hands implying the Senator was going to be looking for a
lost ball and an illegal one at that
“What fucking
difference does it make Rocky, I’m allowed a mulligan on the first hole, even
you small time upstate real estate guys should know that, get your partner
under control Sam he’s playing head games with me already”
“Absolutely
Senator swing away”
The hose’s
second shot rolled into the woods at the top of the rise.
“I see it
Senator” Sam meekly announced.
I play at The
Bush at least 3 times a week and knew no one was finding that ball.
I hit a 3 iron
about 20 yards short of the rise and in the middle a nice safe shot.
Rocky went next
and ended up about 20 yards behind me but on the fairway, for a guy well over 6
foot 5 inches he hit the ball like a guy hung like a gerbil.
Sam stepped up
and glanced at the hose before sending his driver deep into the woods on the
left of the fairway. You don’t want the
hose being the only one in trouble on the first hole, Sam was no rookie when it
came to lobby golf.
As we drove
away from the first tee, Rocky said he wanted to walk and strolled up the
fairway.
The hose
dropped me at my ball and raced the cart to the top of the rise. I had no doubt that he would find a ball and
most likely just over the rise in great shape.
No sooner had
he disappeared over the rise than he yelled “I’ve got it it must have hit a
tree and bounced back into the fairway”
“Member’s
bounce senator now let’s go win this hole”
At the end of
the hole which we easily won as a result of the hose’s good fortune I retrieved
his ball from the cup and returned it to him, it no longer was an off brand it
was now a shiny new Titleist.
As the round
progressed we fell into a rhythm, the hose kept cheating, Sam kept tanking on
purpose, we kept winning and Rocky kept walking slowing down the round and
allowing the milfs to catch up, which infuriated the hose.
As we finished
the 7th hole, a long par 5, and approached the 8th a
short par 3, the hose growled at Rocky.
“Don’t you
fucking dare tell those big titted bitches to play thru, they can all suck my
dick, at the same time”
“But Senator it’s
the polite thing to do”
“Rocky I’m
fucking warning you, and start riding you’re slowing us down”
As the milfs
approached the hose started to flirt with Trini.
“I see you have
the Jag out today Trini, it’s almost as beautiful as you are”
“Thank you
Senator I’ve always enjoyed riding a powerful machine with a long hood”
The milfs
giggled.
“Ladies why don’t
you play thru” Rocky politely offered.
“You sure you
don’t mind?”
“Not at all”
Rocky responded.
As the milfs
teed off and rode away the hose walked to the back of Rocky’s cart and
proceeded to throw his clubs into the woods one by one.
It would be
another 4 holes and a lite lunch before the hose calmed down enough for me to
talk to him about his son’s future.
“Senator I
understand Oscar is contemplating becoming a lobbyist”
“He’s a smart kid
Leathers you would be lucky to have him at Leathers and Lace and I’d make sure
it was profitable for you”
The kid was
actually a complete idiot and the hose had been promising every firm in town
the same thing.
“Well Senator
you know I’ll be bidding and bidding high for his services but I hear Richard
has told people he will spare no expense and plans to make Oscar a partner”
“Now that would
be good for Richard but bad for you Leathers, but you didn’t invite me to play
today to tell me that what’s really on your mind?”
“Well Senator I
think it might be bad for Oscar too. I’m
hearing the feds are investigating Richard and his connection to legislators
and how he gets results for his clients”
“So what you do
the same thing Leathers”
“Well with
everyone watching I may know a better way for Oscar to advance his career”
“I’m all ears
Leathers”
“Oscar should
open his own consulting practice, keep his overhead low and collect large
monthly fees from the clients you send his way”
“I’m not sure
Oscar can service all the clients I could send him that’s why I want him to be
part of a firm”
“Well here’s
the beauty of it Senator, the clients don’t pay him to lobby they pay him NOT
to lobby”
“Huh? Not to lobby”
“Absolutely,
Senator, he enters into consulting agreements whose sole purpose is to prevent
him from lobbying for any other client in a particular industry, it becomes an
insurance policy for those clients that hire him”
“Kind of like
the old merger and acquisition law firms or divorce lawyers you hire him so the
other guy can’t”
“Exactly
Senator, and the clients realize they are paying so that Oscar will not help
their competition, Oscar doesn’t have to do anything other than play golf or
ride his dirt bike or whatever he is into nowadays and the feds can’t claim it’s
a quid pro quo and you and Oscar avoid indictment like every other legislator
that has tried to help his children work in Albany”
“I like it
Leathers, Oscar gets paid for not working its perfect. Thank you now what can I do for you?”
We were getting
back into the cart and were now within range of the micro cassette recorder in
my ditty bag.
“Well Senator I’d
like to talk to you about what Richard is up to with Ravi and the real estate
deals around his micro dot factory”
By the time we
arrived at the next tee box I was sure Karp would have enough information to
start to put together the next Albany political scandal and if things went
right put Richard, Ravi and at least 3 senators and 6 assemblyman in jail.
The only thing
that was bothering me was the hose’s concern that there were a bunch of Israeli’s
involved that scared him.
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