Monday, August 31, 2015

Chapter 29

Chapter 29

If you ever have the opportunity to have sex with a recently released from prison female lobbyist and/or politician I highly recommend it.  And with all the recent arrests in Albany your chance may be just around the corner.  Jenny was insatiable.  I didn’t even make it out of the restaurant, as she dragged me into the ladies room, followed up with road head in the Audi and damn near sent me to the hospital after a quick visit to her condo.

I was on rubbery legs as I wobbled into my office to see Ravi still sitting in my waiting room.

I turned to Pat.  “Did he fill out the details on Richard?”

Pat smiled “He did indeed”

“And the McLaren?”

“On it’s way to paint as we speak” Pat smiled again.

“In that case make Ravi an appointment for next week and tell him to bring my McLaren with him to the appointment”

Ravi stood up “I’m right here Leathers, I can hear you”

I didn’t even glance at him as I strode into my office.

I didn’t know how things could get any better but I had a strange sense of dread.

Dread was a familiar feeling.  I’d lived with it on and off for the last 15 years.  In many ways it had become my closest friend.  It kept me on my toes. Others may have called it paranoia but as H.R. Haldeman had said “I may be paranoid but that doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get me”.  And my dread wasn’t the type of paranoia that had me checking the Audi for hidden bombs or seeing black helicopters circling Eggy’s.  It was far more constructive.  It was more a heightened sense of intuition.  It was a way of looking at a situation and seeing the worst possible outcomes.  And in my case, then taking steps to avoid them.  It had served me remarkably well and helped me to create and build a very lucrative business and to avoid many unpleasant situations.  But at this moment I couldn’t see anything on the horizon to worry about so the dread just became a nagging annoyance that if I couldn’t shake would soon grow into a sense of depression.  Given how well everything was going, depressed was the last thing I should be.

I had two options to cheer myself up I could read Ravi’s statement about Richard or I could go buy something.

I had a pretty good idea about what was in Ravi’s statement so I decided to buy something, the only question was what to buy when you had everything you wanted.  I could always trade in the Audi on something more expensive but the options in Albany were limited and I didn’t want to travel to look at Ferraris or Maybachs.  Bmw had a new CSL model that was an homage to the mid 70’s CSL supercar but only poseurs, yuppies and orthodontists drove BMWs even the expensive ones.  Maserati had just opened a new dealership in Albany and I’d never owned a Maserati but there was a good reason for that if I wanted an unreliable Italian car the Alfa 4c was more exclusive.  With a dealership in town every 30 something hipster douchebag would be taking advantage of no money down leases and Maserati’s would become as common as Escalades around town.  Come to think of it I’m sure I saw a Maserati in the Senate parking lot with Squabble on its vanity tag.  No I’d keep the Audi it was almost a perfect car, I could always kill an hour looking thru Ebay for a used supercar but then I’d have to arrange shipping and find more space in the garage, too many hassles.  If not a car then what?  A watch? I already owned a Rolex and an Omega and a drawer full of classic timepieces.  None of then told time as well as my cell phone, which ment they were all just jewelry and I wasn’t shopping for jewelry today.  So if it wasn’t a car or a watch what could it be?  Clothing?  Nah I had enough overpriced clothing.  What I didn’t have and needed was a friend.  Could you buy a friend?  Maybe not but with enough money you could rent one.

I picked up the phone.  “Jamie, how are you?  Do you have any time for an old friend from Surprise?”

“I’m sorry Mort I’m engaged and will be unavailable all day”

“Business is good?  That’s what is great about Albany no matter how much the players change the morality stays the same”

“No Mort I am engaged to be married, I’m spending the day shopping for a wedding dress”

“Engaged , wow that’s great.  Who is the lucky fellow?”

“I doubt you know him Mort, his name is Spencer Kikedome.  He owns a social media advocacy firm based in San Francisco”

“Social media advocacy?  What in the world is that?”

“It’s the future Mort.  Have you ever heard of Uber?  Think Uber for lobbying”

“I can’t even begin to comprehend what that means”

“Which makes you the functional equivalent of the taxi industry Mort.  You don’t understand it but before you know it, it will destroy your business”

“I hope your wrong Jamie but I wish you well on your nuptials.  Will you be staying in Albany?  We could get together sometime I’d love to meet this young man Spencer”

“I don’t think so Mort, we are spending our honeymoon in the Maldives and then Spencer is going to relocate his business to Belize.  You would not believe how much money is being made with social media advocacy.  Can I give you one last piece of Amish advice Mort in case our paths never cross?”

“Sure Jamie what is it?”

“Stop being an asshole.  There is a really good person inside just let him out”

“Jamie, I’m a lobbyist in Albany being an asshole is my profession”

“I understand Mort, I just thought I’d give it one last try”

As I hung up the phone I started to get a better feeling for what was causing my dread this time.  It wasn’t a specific threat it was a dawning realization that I was an asshole and I was running out of time to be anything else.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Kevin Gagan to be appointed the next executive director of JJOKE

I'm making my prediction about 6 months ahead of time but I'd be willing to bet I'm right.

I've never met Kevin but I'm going to make a big effort to do so, just as I did with LT and Biben and Mitra yada yada.  Some times it works and some times it doesn't.

Now you might rightly ask how could Gagan get this job when so many commissioners were against his appointment as Chief of Staff?  And that's a fair question it takes a lot of anger to get Marvin Jacobs and Mary Lou Rath and David Renzi to actually make an appearance in Albany.  Likewise the animus Weissman and Cavullo and Renee Roth showed towards Gagan was tangible.

But they will not be commissioners when Gagan is appointed the next JJOKE head.

Watch how many of the anti Gagan (really anti LT, really really anti Cuomo) commissioners are left by the end of the year. 

There will be a whole new crop of Jokesters over the next 6 months none of whom will have any institutional memory, all of whom will go along and get along with Dan Horwitz's pick for  executive director.  And Dan will pick Kevin because Monica Stamm is too smart to take the job.

Don't say I didn't warn everyone.

Maybe I'll apply for the position when this national search takes place.

They say they want an independent person from outside government with experience enforcing ethics.

Here I am guys and gals all we have to do is negotiate my pay package.

After all  you get what you pay for.

Oh and by the way I vote Marvin Jacobs the greatest hypocrite to come out of JJOKE since DiFiore.

Marvin insists that the next executive Director must have no ties to government to insure independence.  Does Marvin consider himself independent?  He was, remember, appointed by his college roommate and federally indicted Assemblyman Sheldon Silver.  Should that disqualify you Marvin?

Resign Marvin it will make one less Joker the governor has to get rid of to engineer Gagan's appointment.